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<title>A HOPELESS, A VIOLENCE, I NAMED IT: LOVE. by sakurasgf (sanacult)</title>
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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28720242">A HOPELESS, A VIOLENCE, I NAMED IT: LOVE.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanacult/pseuds/sakurasgf'>sakurasgf (sanacult)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Catharsis Ending, Character Study, F/F, Haruno Sakura-centric, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Post-Canon</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 11:07:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,234</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28720242</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/sanacult/pseuds/sakurasgf</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>Love, Sakura learns at twenty years old, is not tears and scoffs and murder attempts. It's not a childhood infatuation and bonding over the same pain and old promises, either.</p>
</blockquote>Or: Sakura's love manifesto.
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Haruno Sakura/Yamanaka Ino</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>112</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>A HOPELESS, A VIOLENCE, I NAMED IT: LOVE.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Love, Sakura learns at twenty years old, is not tears and scoffs and murder attempts. It's not a childhood infatuation and bonding over the same pain and old promises, either. The space in her three man cell has never been filled with love (or at least, that's why she wants to think, promptly ignoring everything that happened when they were sixteen). Love isn't supposed to make you feel inferior, unworthy, <em> unloved</em>. Sakura has never loved. </p><p><em> You're wrong</em>, Inner screams, her voice slicing through Sakura’s mind like a well-sharpened kunai piercing flesh. <em> You loved him. You tried to love him all this time.  </em></p><p>And maybe she did. But that was twelve years old Sakura, freshly graduated and without a care in this world. Sakura who was a kunoichi only on paper, who clung to anyone stronger than her in fear whenever a mission proved dangerous. Sakura who feared death and hoped that getting together with the dream boy of every girl she knew would somehow grant her immortality, because he knew how to throw three shuriken at once and not miss (and then he pierced her chest with his hand and threw her away like a piece of dead meat even vultures wouldn't want to feed on). </p><p>And she tried to love him. She tried to love him when she was twelve and begging him to stay, begging him to take her with her, begging him not to let her be alone. She tried to love him when she was sixteen with poison in her hands and lying through her teeth, when she was considering using the needle on herself. She tried to love him when she was seventeen and just fought a god, when he thought of her as nothing more than a burden. She tried to love him when she was nineteen and he was leaving again, when she wanted him to make a promise, to bind him to herself and the village, to find comfort in knowing he'll return and won't leave her alone again. </p><p>But she stopped trying. Because she's twenty now and has seen death in more than one way and she doesn't need a red-eyed protection who can now throw twenty shuriken at once and not miss, because she's her own protective shield in the form of a purple deltoid on her awfully wide forehead. She stopped because she's twenty and finally realized he won't return, realized the path of a ninja is all about being abandoned and alone, no matter what Kakashi tried to tell them back when Zabuza was their biggest problem. And Sakura is fine with that, after all these years. So she writes a short letter and sends it through an eagle not caring much if it finds him and forgets about Team Seven’s rightful sharingan user. </p><p><em> That's one out of two</em>, Inner reminds her. Sakura has an urge to get rid of her for good. <em> You loved him too, whether you like it or not</em>. </p><p>And maybe she did. But that was sixteen years old Sakura, still scared of abandonment and desperate for closure of any kind. Sakura who saw hope for a reunion for all of them with his return, Sakura who was so naive. Sakura who was sick of being underestimated and fell for even the most basic sweet words, and he gave her exactly that. Sakura who was still scared of wars and battles and still wanted to have someone strong to cling onto if things got out of control and he had a demon inside ready to strike every enemy. And he was bound to her by the ages old promise he made. </p><p>But then they started talking about what finding <em> him </em> would mean to them and they turned out to be on the same page and Sakura knew they both needed a replacement. But she wonders if the twelve year old ever screamed inside of him when she hugged him or shared a secret. If the twelve year old ever felt a pang of disappointment when she lied. If he ever tried to love her despite all the bad things she's done. Not that it matters, now, when he's on the other side of the earth, walking around Uzushio ruins. Not when he doesn't need a replacement anymore. (Sakura always knew she wasn't going to be a choice for both of them. She liked to pretend she was.) And Sakura doesn't need a replacement too, finally. So she writes a long letter this time, sends it through a frog summon and hopes the Nine Tails will have a laugh reading it with him. </p><p>Correction, then: Sakura has never been loved. Old scars remind her of it — the burnt skin on her arm, the perfectly straight scar in the middle of her chest, the imitation of a lightning on her shoulder (he didn't hit her with Chidori, but the electricity still traveled). It makes her <em> angry. </em> She did all she could to be recognised, appreciated, <em> needed </em>. She learned medical ninjutsu despite not being cut out for it, despite wanting to know more about genjutsu, because medics are always needed. Because medics can both protect and be protected, and maybe that was what Sakura needed — codependency (requital). And now she's twenty and stuck in the hospital with a little bit more than genin-level knowledge about genjutsu, regretting every decision she made out of fear (and fuelled by love). </p><p>Sakura is twenty and filled with regret when Ino barges into her life with momentum and settles into her personal space like it's her natural habitat. (Maybe it is, Sakura thinks quietly.) Ino with her silky hair and pretty makeup and perfectly fitted clothes and perfume that makes Sakura feel lightheaded. Ino with snarky comments and sly smiles and worried stares and a loud laugh. Ino with smooth skin and strong arms and warm cheeks and sharp teeth. And with Ino comes understanding, comes closure, comes <em> requital</em>. She gives Sakura time and space while still staying close, always listens, never judges. </p><p>Sakura cries for the first time since she was twelve and cradling her teammate’s supposedly dead body when Ino traces all of her scars with cold fingers. It's all loud sobs and itchiness on her cheeks and her chest seizing up and even though she tries to stop the ugly frown from appearing on her face, it feels better than anything else in her life. It feels like there was a barrier around her weighing her down and Ino broke it down in mere seconds after years of enduring it. And then Sakura is nothing but clinking teeth and wandering tongue and bruising fingers and Ino looks at her like <em> that </em> and Sakura forgets about the world around her — it all comes down to the girl in front of her, anyway. </p><p>Love, Sakura learns at twenty-one years old, is fresh flowers in the vase on her desk and kisses stolen during work and genjutsu training. Love is Ino wearing her shirts to sleep and hugging her from behind in the kitchen in the mornings and making them take photos to put on postcards and send to their friends to piss them off. Love is Ino holding onto her like a drowning man holds a lifeline when the ghosts of the past come and haunt her and letting herself be vulnerable in the small space of their flat. Love is just that; Ino. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>women, am i right? </p><p>anyway this is a quick something i wrote as a vent</p></blockquote></div></div>
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